The Election

One of the worst places I’ve ever been is alone with my thoughts. That’s where I find myself right now. Despite my efforts, I find myself thinking about life in America should the Democrats take over the Congress.

A committee to draft articles of impeachment would form on the first day of the new Congress. Unlike the carefully crafted, specific charges against Clinton, this will be a kitchen sink affair alleging everything from genocide to price fixing. The committee hearings and closed door sessions will last until the end of 2007 so as to carry over into the 2008 election season.

Meanwhile, the Dems won’t have the testicularity to pass legislation demanding complete withdrawal from Iraq by Christmas 2007. They will, however, do what they’ve always done when they’ve sought to humiliate the country before its enemy: eliminate funding. Declaring an economic crisis unrecognized by any living economist, the House leadership will vote to slash the DoD budget immediately (May), diverting funds to environmental and homeless causes.

President Bush will veto the budget bill, shutting down the government for two weeks. When Clinton vetoed the budget and shut down the government, the liberal media blamed it on Congress, and the American people, too greedy for their own good, agreed. Somehow, I don’t think the New York al-Times will see it as Congress’s fault this time.

In July, a Democrat Senator will sodomize an 11-year-old boy on a camping trip in Vermont, but the major dailies and broadcast networks won’t find the time or space for the story.

By November, 2007, with the impeachment talk heating up, Karl Rove will seize upon a master plan. With an impeachment vote in the Senate too close to call, Vice President Dick Cheney will announce that, in case of a tie, he will vote for removal from office. He’ll also announce that as post-impeachment President, he will pardon Bush of any crimes he may or may not have committed ever in his life and veto every law passed by Congress regardless of the nature. Additionally, he and Lynn will spray-paint the Lord’s Prayer all over the White House and add the Ten Commandments to the Seal of the President of the United States.

As the Dems realize that impeaching Bush means President Cheney, they secretly prepare impeachment articles against President-to-be Cheney.

On December 12, 2007, Iran detonates a nuclear weapon high above the state of Iowa. The device, launched from a freighter 120 miles off the North Carolina coast, does no direct damage to ground below. Instead, it sends an electromagnetic pulse across North America, frying silicon chips, resistors, magnetic tapes, and transistors from Nova Scotia to San Diego. Every computer and communication network in America disappears at once. Automobiles built after 1970 die, as do all but the smallest, oldest aircraft. Electricity and water stop flowing . Hospitals return to the Civil War era. Americans panic in the streets as 2007 turns quickly into 1807.

A trickle of blood trips off the second knuckle of the middle finger on her clenched left hand. On the steps of the Capitol in Washington, DC, Nancy Pelosi, having reduced the military’s budget to 1999 levels, screams, “It’s his fault,” her shaking left index finger pointing northwest up Pennsylvania Avenue.

No one hears.