Congress Just Increased Deficits By $4 Trillion, And All I Got Was 2.9% Tax Increase

You’ll need a scorecard to keep up with the insanity in Washington this week.

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The Senate’s been a lost cause for a while, so let’s not even bother with the upper house. Besides, it’s really hard to focus on good fiscal policy while Hooter’s Girls are passing out Bacardi 151 shots, Buffalo wings, and “Welcome 2013” horns in the cloak room.

Over in the House, things looked interesting for a while. Eric Cantor, as the story leaked, wanted to add amendments to the Senate fiscal cliff bill. But, in the end, Boehner convinced 85 Republicans (who are tired of running unopposed in the primary) to join the Democrats in bi-partisan New Year’s present to President Obama. Apparently, everyone who voted for the tax increase and spending binge got a free Obamaphone and tickets to NASCAR for life.

I’m being unfair, actually, by implying that the 85 Republicans who voted “Aye” were paid off. Clearly, these people are too inept to hold out for personal favors. If the bill had required Republican House members to submit to a Tabasco and Thumb Tack enema facing Mecca five times a day, they’d tell you how proud they were to bend over for America’s middle class families.

I’m not right very often, so when I am, I like to, well, gloat.  Here’s what I wrote on December 21, the day after Boehner’s “Plan B” exploded in his hands:

Therefore, the only way the House can pass a fiscal cliff bill is to win a bunch of Democrat votes.  Since Democrats know this, they can hold out for whatever Obama demands.  Boehner, who doesn’t want to get blamed for failing to reach a deal, will go along and he’ll bring enough Republicans to pass it.

Sometimes it sucks to be right. Since I’m on a roll, I might as well keep playing. Here’s my predictions on the results of this bi-partisan work of statesmanship:

  • Obama and the Democrats will get full credit for saving 98% of taxpayers (which is like 4% of the adult population) from a tax  increase
  • Republicans will get full credit for increasing the deficit by $3.9 trillion (according to the CBO)
  • Republicans will also get to claim the 2.9% payroll tax increase that took effect today (2% Social Security, .9% Obamacare Medicaid tax)
  • Come March, Obama will get a 2-year debt ceiling moratorium, meaning he can spend as fast as Bernanke can buy debt from Treasury
  • And the sequestration will affect only the Department of Defense
  • Which will inspire Japan to capitulate to China

When Democrats become the champions of tax cuts and the GOP the goats of deficits spending, the world must be coming to an end. Maybe the Mayans were only a few months off. (Told you you’d need a scorecard.)

Where’s those Hooter’s girls? I need a drink.