McPike Mansion

Ghosts Organize in Alton, Illinois

Alton, Illinois — Spirits of the dead in the river city of Alton, Illinois, voted last night to organize as a union affiliated with the Service Employees International Union (SEIU). Everett Johnson, a lawyer representing the ghosts, says he will begin negotiations with the town’s haunted house tour guides, spirit shops, and even owners of…

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Elizabeth Warren Performs “Indian Rain Dance” To Quell Dispute

Cambridge, MA—Massachusetts Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren donned a pink headdress and performed, what she called, an “authentic Indian rain dance” during a press conference today.  Ms Warren was hoping to convince skeptics of her claims of Native American heritage. She also hinted that her preference for bison meat to beef indicates her heritage. “My…

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U.S. Holds Auditions for New Terrorist Mastermind

Washington, DC–Reeling from the backlash over a campaign ad that paints President Barack Obama as Osama bin Laden’s sole assassin, the White House today announced open auditions for a new global terrorist mastermind. White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters “the world needs a dangerous, evil character to worry about . . . and, frankly,…

White House Unveils Unemployment Strategy

WASHINGTON, DC:  The White House unveiled a new strategy to lower the nation’s unemployment rate, currently standing at 10 percent.  In his weekly radio address Saturday, the President announced that he will use remaining funds from the failed Stimulus bill to take advantage of little known variable in the unemployment rate factor:  “discouraged workers.” Pointing…

Obama Accepts Reid’s Apology

WASHINGTON, DC — Saying, “The Senate relies on dingy-skinned white men, especially ones without a cracker dialect,” President Barack Obama accepted Senator Harry Reid’s (D-NV) apology for words Reid used in private in 2008.  According to the forthcoming book, “Game Changing,” Reid described Obama a “light-skinned” black man “with no Negro dialect . . .…

The Other Shoe Drops

For months I’ve been echoing the warnings of Peter Schiff and others:  when China stops buying American debt, we’re in deep, deep trouble.  The possibility for hyperflation, prices rise by double-digits on daily or weekly measures, becomes palpably high. Even though this article from IHT failed to suprised me, I have a sick, frightened gnawing…

Breaking News: Philadelphia Set Voting Record

Philadelphia, PA– Philadelphia today saw the most votes cast in the city’s history as measured by percentage and raw numbers.  Oddly enough, only about 4,000 people actually showed up at polling places to cast votes. "It was remarkably efficient," said Philly Mayor Nutter (D).  "We managed to break voting records without forcing people to leave…

America’s Future In Good Hands

This video from ONN proves the young men who will lead America’s future are stacked with altruism. http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/common/assets/videoplayer/flvplayer.swf12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

Obama Plans to Register Jews

Cleveland, OH — Citing concern for their safety in an increasingly anti-Semitic USA, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced a plan to provide Jews with additional protection. The plan, called “HOPE . . . We’ll Protect You,” requires urges Jews to register with their local Social Security Administration office.  After filling out a short…

Hot Stock Tip: Hormel

St. Louis–One company expected to surge amidst the economic chaos about to plague the planet:  Hormel Foods, makers of the famous poverty meat, Spam. "I like Hormel," Wachovia food analyst Walter Crimsin told Hennessy’s View.  "Families that are lucky enough to avoid the soup kitchens will be looking for value in their animal protein purchases. …

Senate Passes Economic Rescue Plan–Reward Points Galore!

Washington, DC–As economists and taxpayers began to dissect the Economic Rescue bill passed by the U. S. Senate tonight, many experts were surprised to learn that tax payers are in line for trillions of reward points. Reward points are a popular perk used by banks, hotels, airlines, and retailers to encourage consumers to use their…