Britney Spears to Appear in New Bin Laden Video

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r2816338787.jpgNorthern Pakistan–al Qaeda Entertainment, a division of al Qaeda-at-large, announced today that the next Osama bin Laden video will feature American pop star Britney Spears.

al Qaeda hopes that Spears’ presence will help increase viewership in the 15-24 demographic, a prime target for terrorist recruitment.  Melinda Roikers, Ms. Spears’ publicist, said the OBL video could mitigate some of the damage to Britney’s career and reputation as a result of her public drunkeness, her radical haircut, her feud with osama_2007_transcript2_main.jpgher mother, and her recent appearance on the Video Music Awards. 

The video, which should be available on terrorist websites this week, is expected to detail bin Laden’s plans for restoring the Middle East to 12th century technology and killing millions of civilians in North America. 

Ted Kennedy to Patraeus: Fight Like a Man

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Washington — Massechusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, today, challenged General David Petraeus, commander of forces in Iraq, to a fist fight in the rotunda of the Capitol over their disagreements on the effectiveness of surge.

“If General ‘Betray Us’ were half the man he acts like in front of the cameras, he’d come out here and fight like one,” shouted an angry and apparently intoxicated Kennedy during an impromptu press conference near the Declaration of Independence display. 

“My mother , God rest her soul, could have kicked his ass right up to the day she died.  And that goes for the rest of my family, too.”

General Petraeus refused to comment on Kennedy’s challenge, but his office released this statement a short time ago:

General Petraeus has the deepest respect for Senator Kennedy.  The General will directly address the Senator’s military concerns during Tuesday’s Senate hearings.   General Petraeus, however, does not engage in fist fights with Senators or anyone else.

Kennedy also challenged a FoxNews reporter who asked the Senator how much he’d to drink.