Obama Plans to Register Jews

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Cleveland, OH — Citing concern for their safety in an increasingly anti-Semitic USA, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced a plan to provide Jews with additional protection.

The plan, called “HOPE . . . We’ll Protect You,” requires urges Jews to register with their local Social Security Administration office.  After filling out a short form, SSA will photograph the citizen and implant a small microchip on the Jew’s left arm.  The chip, about the size of a pencil lead, will allow authorities to quickly identify Jews killed or injured should anti-Semitic violence increase.

Our Zionist friends deserve the best protection our government can provide,” said the Illinois Senator.  “But we can’t protect them if we don’t know where they are.  I think these chips are a wonderful idea, and I can’t wait to see how this program gives our Jewish citizens a renewed sense of security.  I mean, their government will be watching them 24/7.”

Because some Jews may be reluctant to register, the form will also allow volunteers to provide names, addresses, and telephone numbers of their Jewish family and friends.  The information will be used only to encourage their friends to register — for their own protection.

MSNBC News pundit Keith Olbermann hailed the program.  “This is the kind of security American Jews have always needed,” he said on his nightly program.  “With Obama’s government watching them, they won’t need to worry about what happens to Israel.   Der Juden will always be welcomed here.”

The Anti-Defamation League released a statement in response to Obama’s executive order plan:

“While we welcome protection against anti-Semitism, we find Senator Obama’s plan unnecessary.   Too . . . fascist.”

Next week, Obama plans to announce a similar program to protect conservative bloggers and talk radio hosts.